963 


&US 

GIDDY 


LOBE 


OLIVER  HERFORD 


THIS  GIDDY  GLOBE 
OLIVER  HERFORD 


THIS 

GIDDY   GLOBE 

BY 

PETER  SIMPLE,  F.T.G. 

FELLOW  OF  THE  TERRESTRIAL  GLOBE 
EDITED   AND   ILLUSTRATED  BY 

OLIVER  HERFORD,  V.  D.  W.  A. 

["Very  delightful  wit  and  artist." 

—Woodrow  Wilson] 


NEW  YORK 
GEORGE  H.  DORAN  COMPANY 


COPYRIGHT,  1919, 
BY  GEORGE  H.  DORAN   COMPANY 


PRINTED  IN  THE  UNITED  STATES  OF  AMERICA 


TO 

PRESIDENT  WILSON 

[With  all  his  faults  he  quotes  me  still.] 


M15771 


PREFACE 


[The  Preface,  which  is  strictly  private  and  concerns 
only  ourselves  and  the  Reader,  has  been  removed  to 
another  part  of  the  book.} 

I  Vli 


CONTENTS 


PART  I:    WHY  IS  THE  GLOBE 

CHAPTER  PAGE 

I  THE  CREATION 15 

PREFACE 19 

II  A  LONG  JUMP 20 

III  THE  GIDDY  GLOBE 23 

IV  THE  USE  OF  THE  GLOBE       ...  25 
V  THE  EQUATOR 28 

VI  THE  EARTH'S  CRUST 30 

VII  THE  TEMPERATURE  OF  THE  GLOBE  32 

VIII  THE  AGE  OF  THE  GLOBE       ...  35 

IX  THE  FACE  OF  THE  GLOBE     ...  38 

X  CLIMATE  AND  WEATHER  ....  44 

XI  LAND  AND  WATER 47 

XII  THE  DISCOVERY  OF  THE  WORLD      .  51 

XIII  THE  HABITABLE  GLOBE  ....  52 

XIV  THE  TENANTS 54 

XV  RACE 56 

XVI  GOVERNMENTS  OF  THE  GLOBE    .      .  58 

XVII  THE  MORALS  OF  THE  GIDDY  GLOBE  61 

PART  II:  THE  COUNTRIES  OF  THE  EARTH 

XVIII  THE  POLES 65 

XIX  AMERICA 70 

XX  BOSTON 75 

[xi] 


CONTENTS 

CHAPTER  PAGE 

XXI     THE  UNITED  STATES 78 

XXII     CANADA 83 

XXIII  GREAT  BRITAIN 86 

XXIV  SCOTLAND          9° 

XXV     IRELAND 92 

XXVI     WALES 96 

PART  III:    FOREIGN    COUNTRIES 

XXVII     SOUTH  AMERICA 101 

XXVIII     HOLLAND 103 

XXIX     BELGIUM ic6 

XXX     FRANCE ic9 

XXXI     GERMANY m 

XXXII     SWITZERLAND 112 

XXXIII  MONACO      . "3 

XXXIV  TURKEY IJ4 

XXXV     RUSSIA "7 

XXXVI     NORWAY  AND  SWEDEN     ,            .      .  119 

XXXVII    AFRICA 122 

XXXVIII    ARABIA 126 

XXXIX    AUSTRALIA 129 

XL    CHINA J3i 

XLI     JAPAN '33 

XLII     EGYPT,      INDIA,       ITALY,       SPAIN, 

GREECE,  ETC !34 

EPILOGUE J3^ 

APPENDIX        *3^ 

[xii] 


THIS  GIDDY  GLOBE 


PART  I 
WHY  IS  THE  GLOBE? 

CHAPTER  I 

THE   CREATION 

Six  busy  Jays  it  took  in  all 
To  make  a  World  and  plan  its  fall, 
The  seventh,  SOMEONE  said  'twas  good 
And  rested,  should  you  think  he  could? 
Knowing  what  the  result  would  be 
There  would  have  been  no  rest  for  me! 
Claire  Beecher  Kummer. 

IT  takes  much  longer  to  write  a  Geography 
than,  according  to  Moses,  it  took  to  create 
the  World  which  it  is  the  Geographer's  busi 
ness  to  describe;  and  since  the  Critic  has  been 
added  to  the  list  of  created  beings,  it  is  no 
longer  the  fashion  for  the  Author  to  pass  judg 
ment  on  his  own  work. 


THIS  GIDDY  GLOBE 

Let  us  imagine,  however,  that  concealed  in 
the  cargo  of  Hypothetic  Nebula  destined  for 
the  construction  of  the  Terrestrial  Globe  was  a 
Protoplasmic  Stowaway  that  sprang  to  being 
in  the  shape  of  a  Critic  just  as  the  work  of 
Creation  was  finished. 

Would  it  not  be  interesting  to  speculate 
upon  that  Critic's  reception  of  the  freshly 
made  World? 

We  may  be  sure  that  he  would  have  found 
many  things  not  to  his  liking;  technical  de 
fects  such  as  the  treatment  of  grass  and  foliage 
in  green  instead  of  the  proper  purple;  the  tint 
ing  of  the  sky  which  any  landscape  painter 
will  tell  you  would  be  more  decorative  done 
in  turquoise  green  than  cobalt  blue. 

Like  the  foolish  Butterfly  in  the  Talmud, 
who  (to  impress  Mrs.  Butterfly)  stamped  his 
tiny  foot  upon  the  dome  of  King  Solomon's 
Temple,  our  Critic  might  have  declared  the 
World  "Too  flimsy  in  construction."  He 
would  certainly  have  found  fault  with  the 
Solar  System  and  the  Plumbing — the  absence 
of  heat  in  Winter  when  there  is  the  greater 
need  of  it  and  the  paucity  of  moisture  in  the 
desert  places  where  it  never  rains. 

The  comicality  of  the  Ape  family  might 
[16] 


THE  CREATION 


THE  FIRST  CALENDAR 

The  Creation  of 'Heaven  &  EartJi  m&\:  cLives 

m — 


THE  YEAR  I 


1st  Sunday 
st  Monday 
st  Tuesday 

1st  Wednesday 
st  Thursday 
st  Friday 

[17] 


THIS  GIDDY  GLOBE 

have  provoked  a  reluctant  smile,  but  much 
more  likely  a  lecture  on  the  impropriety  of 
descending  to  caricature  in  a  serious  work. 

At  best,  our  Critic  would  have  pronounced 
the  freshly  made  World  the  work  of  a  be 
ginner,  conceding  perhaps  that  he  "showed 
promise"  and  "might  go  far,"  and  if  he  wished 
to  be  very  impressive  indeed,  he  would  pre 
tend  that  he  had  penetrated  the  veil  of  Anony 
mity  and  hint  darkly  that  he  detected  evident 
traces  of  a  Feminine  Touch! 

In  that,  however,  our  Critic  would  only 
have  been  anticipating,  for  is  there  not  at 
this  very  moment  on  the  press  a  Suffrage  edi 
tion  (for  women  only)  of  the  Rubaiyat,  in 
which  one  verse  is  amended  to  read  thus— 

The  ball  no  question  makes  of  Ayes  or  Nos, 
But  right  or  left,  as  strikes  the  Player  goes, 
And  SHE  -who  tossed  it  down  into  the  field, 
SHE  knows  about  it  all,  SHE  knows,  SHE 
knows! 


[18] 


PREFACE 
STRICTLY  PRIVATE 

For  the  Reader  Only 

DEAR  READER: 

This  is  for  you,  and  you  only.  We  have 
concealed  it  between  chapters  one  and  two  so 
that  it  will  not  meet  any  eye  but  yours. 

We  have  a  confession  to  make — it  would  be 
useless  to  attempt  concealment — we  have  the 
Digression  habit. 

We  have  tried  every  known  remedy  but  we 
fear  it  is  incurable. 

All  we  ask,  Gentle  Reader,  is  that  when  we 
stray  too  far  you  will  favour  us  with  a  gentle 
reminder. 


[19] 


CHAPTER  II 

A  LONG  JUMP 


IT  is  a  long  jump  from  Moses,  the  author  of 
the    first  work   on    Geography,    to    Peter 
Simple. 

When  the  acrobatic  reader  has  fetched  his 
breath  and  looks  back  at  the  fearsome  list  of 
Geographers  he  has  skipped — Strabo,  Anaxi- 
mander,  Hecatoeus,  Demoeritus,  Eudoxus, 
Ephorus,  Dicoearchus,  Erastothenes,  Poly- 
bius,  Posidonius  and  Charles  F.  King, — he 
may  well  be  thankful  to  find  he  has  fallen 
upon  his  feet. 

[201 


A  LONG  JUMP 

The  Geographer's  task  is  endless. 

The  Planet  he  endeavours  to  portray  is  per 
petually  changing  its  appearance.  After  thou 
sands  and  thousands  of  years,  it  is  no  nearer 
completion  than  it  was  in  the  beginning. 


The  Sea  with  its  white  teeth  bites  the  edges 
of  the  continents  into  new  shapes,  as  a  child 
bites  the  edges  of  a  biscuit.  The  glaciers  file 
away  the  mountains  into  valleys  and  plains. 
Beneath  the  ocean  busy  insects  are  building 

[21] 


THIS  GIDDY  GLOBE 

the  foundations  of  new  continents  and,  under 
the  earth,  Fiery  Demons  are  ready  at  all  times 
to  burst  forth  and  help  to  destroy  the  old  ones. 

It  really  begins  to  look  as  if  this  Planet 
would  never  be  finished. 

In  the  first  chapter  of  his  geography,  Moses 
tells  us  there  were  only  two  people  in  the 
world. 

Today  we  are  preparing  to  put  up  the 
"standing  room  only"  notice.  In  another 
thousand  years,  for  aught  we  know,  the  earth 
may  be  going  round  dark  and  tenantless  and 
bearing  the  sign  "To  Let."  What  does  it  mat 
ter  to  us?  What  are  we  but  microscopic 
weevils  in  the  mouldy  crust  of  earth?  Suffi 
cient  unto  the  day  is  the  weevil  thereof. 


[22] 


CHAPTER  III 

THE   GIDDY   GLOBE 

MEN  of  Science,  who  delight  in  apply 
ing  harsh  terms  to  things  that  cannot 
talk  back,  have  called  this  Giddy  Globe  an 
Oblate  Spheroid. 

Francis  Bacon  called  it  a  Bubble;  Shake- 
spere,  an  Oyster;  Rossetti,  a  Midge;  and  W. 
S.  Gilbert  addresses  it  familiarly  as  a  Ball- 

Roll  on,  thou  ball,  roll  on! 
Through  pathless  realms  of  Space 

Roll  on! 

What  though  I'm  in  a  sorry  case? 
What  though  I  cannot  meet  my  bills? 
What  though  I  suffer  toothache's  ills? 
What  though  I  swallow  countless  pills? 

Never  you  mind 

Roll  onT 

(It  rolls  on.) 

But  these  people  belong  to   a   privileged 
class  that  is  encouraged  (even  paid)  to  distort 

[23] 


THIS  GIDDY  GLOBE 

the  language,  and  they  must  not  be  taken  too 
literally. 

The  Giddy  Globe  is  really  quite  large,  not 
to  say  obese. 

Her  waist  measurement  is  no  less  than 
twenty-five  thousand  miles.  In  the  hope  of 
reducing  it,  the  earth  takes  unceasing  and 
violent  exercise,  but  though  she  spins  round 
on  one  toe  at  the  rate  of  a  thousand  miles  an 
hour  every  day,  and  round  the  sun  once  a 
year,  she  does  not  succeed  in  taking  off  a 
single  mile  or  keeping  even  comfortably  warm 
all  over. 

No  wonder  the  globe  is  giddy! 

QUESTIONS 

Explain  the  Nebular  Hypothesis. 

State  briefly  the  electromagnetical  constitu 
ents  of  the  Aurora  Borealis,  and  explain 
their  relation  to  the  Hertzian  Waves. 

Define  the  difference  between   the  Hertzian 
Wave  and  the  Marcel  Wave. 


[24] 


CHAPTER  IV 

THE  USE  OF  THE  GLOBE 

WHAT  is  the  Earth  for?  Nobody  knows. 
Some  say  the  Earth  was  made  to  sup 
ply  the  wants  of  Man,  but  as  Man  is  part  and 


THE  FRIENDLY  Cow. 

From  an   instantaneous  photograph  of  animal  cracker. 
Owing  to  the  high  price  of  living  the  cow  was  partially  eaten 
by  the   author  before  the   photograph  could   be  taken. 


parcel  of  the  Earth  herself,  dust  of  her  dust, 
mould  of  her  mould,  it  does  not  answer  the 
question. 

To  be  sure  the  Earth  produces  the  Tobacco 

[25] 


THIS  GIDDY  GLOBE 

Plant,  and  many  other  things  that  we  classify 
among  the  needs  of  Man,  including  the 
"Friendly  Cow"- 

She  walks  among  the  flowers  sweet 
And  chews  and  chews  and  chews, 

And  turns  them  Into  friendly  meat, 
And  pleasant  boots  and  shoes. 

But  the  "Friendly  Cow"  may  in  her  secret 
heart  regard  the  classification  as  anything  but 
friendly.  For  all  we  know,  in  the  hidden 
scheme  of  Creation,  the  Cow  may  herself  be 
the  subject  for  ultimate  evolution  into  the  Per 
fect  Being,  and  Man  (to  reverse  Darwin),  de 
scending  through  the  Ape  to  ever  lower 
planes,  only  a  discarded  experiment. 

And  the  Tobacco  Plant?  In  the  course  of 
time  there  may  be  no  Tobacco  Plant. 

Should  the  American  People  be  again 
tempted  to  wage  a  World  War  for  Freedom, 
they  may  find  on  their  return  that  the  Tobac 
co  Plants  have  gone  to  join  the  Grape  Vines 
of  California! 

Our  only  hope  will  then  be  that  smoking  is 
permitted  in  Hea— 

*  The    Author    is    digressing. 

The  Reader. 

[26] 


THE  USE  OF  THE  GLOBE 

QUESTIONS 

What  is  "Friendship"? 

Why  is  the  Co-w  "friendly"? 

Is  the  Oyster  friendly? 

When  Prohibition  is  applied  to  tobacco  will 

cigars  containing  less  than  one-half  of  one 

per  cent  tobacco  be  permitted? 


[27] 


CHAPTER  V 

THE  EQUATOR 


THE  Earth  is  self-centred.    Poised  on  an 
imaginary  toe,  she  pirouettes  round  her 
self-centre,   at  the   rate   of   over   a   thousand 
miles  an  hour. 

We  say  imaginary  toe  because  the  Earth, 
owing  to  the  enormous  size  of  her  waist,  has 
never  been  able  to  see  it. 

To  anyone  with  a  waist  measurement  of 
twenty-five  thousand  miles  the  very  existence 
of  toes  is  purely  problematical. 

To  wear  an  actual  belt  round  a  waist  of  such 
dimensions  would  be  impossible  even   if   it 
[28] 


THE  EQUATOR 

could  be  of  any  use.  Instead,  therefore,  the 
Earth  wears  round  her  middle  an  imaginary 
line  called  the  Equator. 

To  give  this  imaginary  belt  some  excuse  for 
existence  we  have  depicted  the  Earth  in  an 
imaginary  ballet  skirt,  which  without  in  any 
way  hampering  her  movements  complies  with 
the  strict  regulations  pertaining  to  feminine 
attire. 

Being  self-centred,  the  Earth  has  naturally 
an  exaggerated  sense  of  self-esteem. 

Other  Spheres  of  equal  or  greater  impor 
tance  are  referred  to  as  "Luminaries"  and 
supposed  to  exist  chiefly  for  the  purpose  of 
furnishing  light  when  the  Sun  and  Moon  are 
otherwise  engaged. 

Oh  would  some  Power  the 
cj 'if 'tie  gie  her 

To  see,  as  other  Planets 
see  her! 

QUESTIONS 

Can  an  Imaginary  line  be  said  to  exist? 
If  not,  why  does  it  need  an  excuse  for  exist 
ence? 

[29] 


CHAPTER  VI 

THE  EARTH'S  CRUST 

MATTER-of-fact    Geologists    speak   of 
the  Earth's  Crust  as  if  there  were  only 
one  Crust. 

Thoughtful  people  (like  ourselves)  who 
can  read  between  imaginary  lines,  know  that 
there  are  (as  in  a  pie)  two  Crusts,  the  Upper 
Crust  and  the  Under  Crust. 

The  Upper  Crust  is  pleasantly  situated  on 
the  top  and  is  rich  and  agreeable  and  much 
sought  after. 

The  Under  Crust  is  soggy  and  disagreeable. 
The  only  apparent  reason  for  its  existence  is 
to  hold  up  the  Upper  Crust. 

To  quote  the  eminent  Nonsensologist  Gelett 
Burgess— 

The  Upper  Crust  is  light  as  snow 

And  gay  with  sugar-rime; 
The  Under  Crust  must  stay  below, 
It  has  a  horrid  time. 

When  in  the  course  of  time  the  Upper  Cmst 
becomes  too  rich  and  heavy  for  the  popular 

[30] 


THE  EARTH'S  CRUST 

taste,  the  Social  Pie  flops  over  and  the  Under 
Crust  becomes  the  Upper  Crust. 

These  periodic  flip-flops  of  the  Social  Pie 
are  called  Revolutions. 

You  would  think  that  a  Revolving  Pie 
would  be  a  disturbing  thing  to  have  in  one's 
system,  but  the  Giddy  Globe  doesn't  seem  to 
mind  it  in  the  least. 

Balanced  on  an  imaginary  toe,  she  contin 
ues  to  pirouette  at  the  rate  of  a  thousand  miles 
an  hour,  just  as  if  nothing  were  the  matter. 

The  latest  specimen  of  Acrobatic  Pastry  is 
after  a  Russian  recipe. 

The  Bolshevik  Pie  has  no  Upper  Crust  at 
all  and  is  declared  by  the  leading  Chefs  of 
Europe  to  be  unfit  for  human  consumption, 
but  the  proof  of  the  Pie  is  in  the  eating,  how 
would  you  like  to  try  just  a— 

*  Take    it    away,    or    we    won't 
read   another  word ! 

The  Reader. 

Oh,  very  well!  We  never  did  care  much 
for  pie  anyway,  not  even  for  breakfast. 


CHAPTER  VII 


THE  TEMPERATURE  OF  THE  GLOBE 


IN  spite  of  incessant  and  violent  exercise, 
the  Giddy  Globe   (as  we  have  remarked 
before)  is  unable  to  keep  comfortably  warm 
all  over. 

Her  Temperature  varies  from  intense  cold 
at  her  upper  and  lower  extremities  to  fever 
heat    in    the    region    of    her    equatorial    dia 
phragm. 
[32] 


THE   TEMPERATURE   OF  THE   GLOBE 

Ancient  Geographers  indicated  these  varia 
tions  of  temperature  by  means  of  Zones. 

The  Term  Zone  is  derived  from  the  Greek 
word  fco*»7  a  Belt  or  Girdle,  and  a  Girdle 
in  the  days  of  the  First  Geography  Book  was 
the  principal  (if  not  the  only)  garment  of  a 
well  dressed  person. 

Today,  however,  the  Girdle  is  no  longer 
accepted  as  a  complete  costume. 

No  modern  Costumer  would  countenance 
such  a  "model,"  it  would  be  too  easy  to  copy 
and  consequently  unprofitable. 

Even  the  "Knee-plus-ultra"  of  Newport  or 
Palm  Beach  Society  would  hesitate  to  pose 
for  the  Sunday  Supplement  Photographer  in 
a  one-piece  Bathing  Girdle. 

You  might  explore  the  World  of  Dress, 
from  the  Land  of  the  Midnight  Follies  to  the 
Uttermost  parts  of  Greenwich  Village  and 
find  nothing  exactly  like  it. 

It  is  on  its  way,  to  be  sure,  but  it  will  never 
be  fashionable  until— 

The  two  extremes  of  decollete 

Of  Ballroom  and  of  Bathing  Beach 

Here  meet  in  a  bewildering  way 
And  mingle  all  the  charms  of  each. 

[331 


THIS  GIDDY  GLOBE 

Why,  then,  in  this  up-to-date  Geography 
Book,  should  we  depict  the  Giddy  Globe  in 
an  obsolete  hoop  skirt  of  imaginary  Zones? 

In  striving  to  answer  the  question,  we  have 
hit  upon  a  pleasing  compromise. 


At  least  it  is  up-to-date. 
A.  and  E.  are  the  two  extremities  of  the 
Giddy  Globe,  which  are  quite  bare. 
They  correspond  to  the  Frigid  Zones. 

C.  is  the  Corset,  which  being  hot  and  un 
comfortable  corresponds  to  the  Torrid. 

D.  is — that  is  to  say  are—    -* 


Pardon  us  for  interrupting — 
but  we  thought  this  was  to  be 
a  geography  book. 

The  Reader. 


[34] 


CHAPTER  VIII 


THE  AGE  OF  THE  GLOBE 


THE  NEW  WORLD 


THE  OLD  WORLD 


SOME    people    are    sensitive    about    their 
ages.     The  Giddy  Globe  has  never  told 
us  hers. 

Rude  men  of  science,  after  careful  exam 
ination,  declare  she  can't  be  a  day  under  five 
billion  years  old. 

Theologians,  ever  tactful  in  feminine  mat 
ters,  set  her  down  as  a  shrinking  young  thing 
of  barely  four  thousand  summers. 

[35] 


THIS  GIDDY  GLOBE 

Real  delicacy  of  feeling  goes  with  the  bulg 
ing  turn  rather  than  with  the  bulging  fore 
head;  who  ever  saw  a  thin  Bishop  or  a  fat 
man  of  science! 

Happy  the  man  'with  the  bulging  Turn, 
Who  smiles  and  smiles  and  Is  never  glum! — 
But  alas  for  the  man  with  the  bulging  brow, 
If  he  wanted  to  smile,  he  wouldn't  know  how! 

If  the  Giddy  Globe  asked  us  to  guess  her 
age,  we  should  say,  without  a  moment's  hesita 
tion,  "Whatever  it  is  you  certainly  don't  look 
it!" 

Astronomers  may  say  what  they  like,  a 
Planet  is  as  old  as  it  looks,  especially  if  it  is  a 
Lady-Planet,  and  we  have  seen  ours  when  she 
didn't  look  a  June  day  over  sixteen!  and,  not 
having  a  bulging  forehead,  we  told  her  so! 

Astronomers  think  themselves  so  wise,  but 
what  do  they  know  about  the  sex  of  the 
Planets? 

With  the  exception  of  Mother  Earth  and 
old  Sol  Phoebus, — nothing! 

If  you  asked  an  Astronomer  whether  the 
Pleiad  girls  were  really  the  daughters  of 
Atlas,  or  what  Jupiter  was  doing  with  eight 
[36] 


THE  AGE  OF  THE  GLOBE 

Moons  (if  they  were  Moons),  he  would  think 
you  were  trifling  with  him. 

But  is  it  not  possible  that  the  old  Greek 
tales  were  the  garbled  gossip  of  an  age-for 
gotten  science  of  which  we  have  only  the 
A.B.C.? 

If  it  is  Love  that  makes  the  world  go  round 
(and  who  can  prove  that  it  isn't?) ,  what  makes 
the  other  Planets  go  round? 

How  about  the  movements  of  the  Heave 
ly  Bodies? 

How  about— 

*  This    is    all    very    interesting, 
but    don't   you    think    perhaps 

The  Reader. 

Quite  right!  Quite  right!  how  we  do  run 
on! 


[37] 


CHAPTER  IX 

THE  FACE  OF  THE  GLOBE 

THERE  are  no  good  photographs  of  the 
Giddy  Globe;  she  refuses  to  sit. 

Imagine  attempting  to  photograph  an  obese 
and  flighty  Spheroid  who  spends  her  time 
pirouetting  round  in  a  circle  with  all  her 
might  and  main. 

Perhaps  it  is  to  avoid  the  photographer  that 
the  Earth  spins,  and  not  merely  to  reduce  her 
girth  as  we  hinted  elsewhere. 

In  these  days  such  a  strenuous  evasion  of 
publicity  is  suspicious. 

Where  does  she  come  from? 

Where  is  she  going? 

She  refuses  to  answer,  she  will  not  even 
state  her  business  or  tell  her  real  name. 

For  aeons  (quite  a  number  of  aeons)  this 
Giddy  one  has  been  going  round  under  va 
rious  male  and  female  aliases  such  as — Cos 
mos,  Mother  Earth,  The  World,  Mrs. 
[38] 


THE  FACE  OF  THE  GLOBE 

Grundy,  the  Footstool,  the  Terrestrial  Globe. 
If  you  look  up  her  record  you  will  find  the 
following  press  notices — 

"The  Earth's  a  thief." 

Timon  of  Athens. 
"Earth's  bitter." 

Wordsworth. 
"This  distracted  Globe." 

Hamlet. 
"This  tough  World." 

King  Lear. 
"Naughty  World." 

Merchant  of  Venice. 
"This  World  is  given  to  Lying." 

Henry  IV. 
"The  World  is  too  much  with  us." 

Wordsworth. 
"The  World  is  grown  so  bad." 

Richard  III. 
"The  narrow  World." 

Julius  Caesar. 
"The  World  is  not  thy  friend." 

Romeo  and  Juliet. 
"The  World's  a  bubble." 

Bacon. 
"This  World  is  all  a  fleeting  show." 

Moore. 

[39] 


THIS  GIDDY  GLOBE 

"The  World  was  not  worthy." 

St.  Paul. 
"The  World's  a  tragedy." 

Horace  Walpole. 
"This  bleak  World." 

Moore. 

"The  weary  weight  of   all  this  unin 
telligible  World." 

Wordsworth. 
"A  World  of  vile  ill-favoured  faults." 

Merry  Wives  of  Windsor. 
"Stale,  flat  and  unprofitable  seem  to  me 
all  the  uses  of  this  World." 

Hamlet. 
"This  dim  spot  that  men  call  Earth." 

Milton. 
"The  wicked  World." 

W.  S.  Gilbert. 

r 

It  is  possible  that  the  Giddy  Globe  has  read 
the  above  clippings  and,  realizing  that  she 
has  been  discovered,  spins  round  with  all  her 
might  to  avoid  being  photographed  for  the 
Rogues'  Gallery  of  the  Universe. 

Appearances  are  certainly  against  her. 


[40] 


THE  FACE  OF  THE  GLOBE 

When  I  am  moved  to  contemplate 
The  rude  and  unregenerate  state 
Of  that  rampageous  reprobate 

The  World  at  large, 
And  as  I  mark  its  stony  phiz 
And  see  it  whoop   and  whirl  and   whiz, 
I  can  but  cry — O  Lord,  why  is 

The  World  at  large? 


THIS  GIDDY  GLOBE 


A  PERFECT  DAY  IN  LONDON 


[42] 


CLIMATE  AND  WEATHER 


A  PERFECT  DAY  IN  CHICAGO 


[43] 


CHAPTER  X 

CLIMATE  AND  WEATHER 

/CLIMATE  is  a  Theory.     Weather  is  a 
V_^  condition. 

Or,  to  make  it  clearer  to  the  reader,  Cli 
mate  is  a  Hypothesis  and  Weather  is  a  Reduc- 
lio  ad  Absurdum.  This  explains  why  it  invar 
iably  snows  for  the  first  time  in  years  when 
ever  one  goes  to  California. 

What  is  the  Weather  for? 
Everything  in  Nature  is  de 
signed  to  contribute  to  the  needs 
or  pleasures  of  Mankind. 
From  the  tree  of  the  forest  we 


A  TREE 


get  the  wood  from  w7hich  the  nutmeg  is  made, 
the  wood-alcohol  for  our  Scotch  high-ball 
and  the  pulp  for  our  newspaper,  which,  in 
turn,  is  transmuted  to  leather  for  the  soles  of 
our  soldiers'  boots. 

From  the  sands  of  the  sea  we  make  sugar 
for   sweetening   our   coffee — that   mysterious 
[44] 


CLIMATE  AND  WEATHER 

beverage,  the  secret  of  whose  manufacture  has 
never  been  revealed. 

From  the  cotton  plant  comes  the  woolen 
under-garment  and  the  soldier's  blanket. 

From  the  lowly  cabbage  springs  the  Ha 
vana  Perfecto,  with  its  gold  and  crimson  band, 
and  from  the  simple  turnip  is  distilled  the 
golden  champagne,  without  which  so  many 
lives  will  now  be  empty. 

Even  the  humble  straw  has  its  uses — to  in 
dicate  the  trend  of  the  air  current  and  for  the 
stuffing  of  the  life-preserver. 

What  then  is  the  use  of  the  Weather? 

Supposing  you  have  made  a  globe  and  put 
some  people  upon  it  to  live.  What  would  you 
do  to  make  them  feel  at  home? 

You  would  give  them  something  to  talk 
about. 

Just  so — the  Weather  was  designed  to  fur 
nish  a  universal  topic  of  conversation  for 
Man. 

Without  the  Weather,  999,999  out  of  1,000,- 
ooo  conversations  would  die  in  their  infancy. 

In  the  first  geography  book  we  learn  from 
Moses  how  and  of  what  the  Weather  was 
made. 

Since  then,  nothing  has  been  so  much  talked 

[45] 


THIS  GIDDY  GLOBE 

about  as  the  Weather,  and  in  nothing  has  so 
little  advance  been  made. 

QUESTIONS 

Is  it  notoriety  that  makes  the  W e either -V an e? 

Where  does  the  Winter-Resort  in  Summer? 
Andhsohy? 

How  many  litres  of  champagne  can  be  ex 
tracted  from  the  cube-root  of  one  turnip? 

What  did  the  Weather  do  to  get  herself  so 
talked  about? 


[46] 


CHAPTER  XI 


LAND  AND  WATER 


*%* !- 


STEAMSHIP  BATTLING  WITH  THE  MARCEL  WAVES 


terrestrial  Globe  is  pleasingly  tinted 
A     in  blue,  pink,  yellow  and  green. 
The  blue  portion  is  called  Water  and  is 
inhabited  by  oysters,  clams,  submarines,  lob 
sters  and  turtles,  besides  delightful  schools  of 
fishes  and  whales. 

The  pink,  yellow  and  green  portions  are 
called  Land  and  are  alive  with  human  beings 
and  other  animals  and  vegetables. 

[471 


THIS  GIDDY  GLOBE 

Besides  the  animals  and  vegetables  there  are 


THE  COLLEGE  YELL  OF  A  SCHOOL  OF  WHALES 

mountains,    table-lands,    rivers,    forests    and 
lakes. 

In   former  times  mountains  were  used   as 
protective  barriers.    Today  they  serve  as  mon- 


THE  PRESIDENTIAL  RANGE 


Showing  comparative  height  of  principal  peaks. — Reading 
from  left  to  right:  Mt.  Washington — Jefferson — Lincoln — Cleve 
land — Roosevelt — Wilson. 

Note: — At  the  moment  this  picture  was  taken  a  war  cloud 
drifted  over  the  last  two  peaks. — Until  the  cloud  passes  it  will 
be  impossible  to  ascertain  their  altitudes. 

uments  to  Public  Men  for  whom  they  are 
named  (See  Presidential  Range),  and  country 
seats  for  retired  Grocers  and  Fishmongers. 

Rivers  are  the  most  curious  and  interesting 
form  of  Water. 
[48] 


LAND  AND  WATER 

Though  seldom  as  shallow,  they  are  as 
lengthy  and  involved  as  Congressional  speech 
es,  and  have  to  be  curled  into  the  most  ludi- 


A  RIVER  BED 

crous  shapes  to  get  them  into  the  countries 
where  they  belong. 

The  first  thing  a  river  does  after  rising  is 
to  betake  itself  as  fast  as  it  can  to  the  nearest 
River-Bed,  in  which  it  remains  for  the  rest  of 
its  days. 

The  largest  river  in  the  world  is  the  Am 
azon,  named  after  the  single-breasted  suffra 
gette  of  ancient  times. 

QUESTIONS 

How  many  rivers  can  get  into  one  river-bed? 
Why  is  a  Congressman? 

[491 


THIS  GIDDY  GLOBE 


NOAH  SIGHTING  ARARAT 

When  Noah  saw  the  flood  subside, 
"The  world  is  going  dry!"  he  cried, 
"So  let  us  all,  without  delay, 
Fill    up    against   a    drouthy   day." 


[50] 


CHAPTER  XII 


THE  DISCOVERY  OF  THE  WORLD 

IN   the  first  geography  we   are  told   of   a 
young  married  couple  who  were  cast  into 
the  world  for  a  pomological  error  on  their 
part,  about  4000  B.C. 

Some  seventeen  centuries 
later,  the  world  was  lost  sight 
of  in  a  deluge. 

It  was  re-discovered  by  a 
navigator  named  Noah  who, 
though  barely  six  hundred 
years  old,  was  the  commander 
of  a  sea-going  menagerie. 

Commander  Noah,  after 
cruising  about  for  twelve 
months  and  ten  days,  landed 
from  his  zoological  water-wagon  upon  a  pre 
cipitous  Asiatic  Jag  called  Ararat  on  the 
twenty-seventh  of  February,  2300  B.C. 


NOAH 


[51] 


CHAPTER  XIII 

THE  HABITABLE  GLOBE 

THE  term  "Habitable  Globe"  was  doubt 
less    invented    by   some    Celestial    Hu 
morist  who  had  never  visited  this  planet. 

People  live  on  it,  to  be  sure,  but  they  have 
no  choice.    There  is  nowhere  else  to  live. 
The  Giddy  Globe  .  .    * 

*  Isn't  it  about  time  to  drop  this 
personal   simile? 

The  Reader. 

,  .  .  Quite  so.  Suppose  we  consider  the 
Globe  as  an  Apartment  House. 

We  are  told  it  was  finished  in  six  days.  No 
wonder  it  is  faultily  constructed. 

The  Heating  Apparatus  is  out  of  date.  The 
apartments  nearest  to  the  Radiator  are  insuf 
ferably  hot,  those  farthest  away  unbearably 
cold,  and  those  between  too  changeable  for 
comfort. 

The  Water  Supply  is  unreliable.  In  some 
[52] 


THE  HABITABLE  GLOBE 

apartments,  great  numbers  perish  every  year 
from  thirst. 

In  the  cellar  there  is  a  munition  factory 
where,  in  defiance  of  regulations,  there  are 
stored  High  Explosives.  These  blow  up  from 
time  to  time,  causing  great  damage  and  loss 
of  life  among  the  tenants. 

The  janitor  is  a  disobliging  old  person  who 
has  been  there  since  the  house  was  started  and 
holds  his  job,  in  spite  of  incessant  complaints. 
When  asked  to  hurry,  he  fairly  crawls  and, 
when  people  want  him  most  to  stay,  nothing 
can  stop  him. 

His  name  is  Tempus. 


[53] 


CHAPTER  XIV 

THE  TENANTS 

first  tenants  (as  before  stated)  were 
A    a    young  couple  who   had   been   com 
pelled  to  leave  a  more  luxurious  apartment 
because  children  were  not  allowed,   though 
animals  of  all  kinds,  even  snakes, 
were  tolerated. 

On  the  whole,  the  Globe  is 
anything  but  a  model  Apartment 
House.  Each  family  considers 
itself  the  only  respectable  one  in 

POST-IMPRESSION-  ^i        i      -,  V  j      i 

IST  SAVAGE  the  building  and  they  are  con 
stantly  squabbling  for  the  posses 
sion  of  the  most  desirable  rooms. 

The  tenants  of  the  different  stories,  origin 
ally  of  one  colour,  have  been  tanned  according 
to  their  proximity  to  the  Solar  Stove.  They 
come  in  five  shades  of  fast  colours — Black, 
Brown,  Yellow,  Red  and  White, — the  White 
being  farthest  away  from  the  Stove. 

[54] 


THE  TENANTS 

There  are  also  some  brighter  colours,  which 
are  not  guaranteed, — varying  from  the  chro 
matic  discord  of  the  post-impressionist  Savage 
to  the  delicate  rose-pink  of  the  Perfect  Lady. 

This  last  is  the  most  delectable  of  all — but, 
alas,  it  is  the  one  that  fades  most  quickly. 


PERFECT  LADY 


[55] 


CHAPTER  XV 


RACE 

ALL  the  Families  agree  that  the  tenants  of 
the   Globe   should   be   of   one   uniform 
shade. 

Each  Family,  however,  thinks  that  his  -own 
particular  shade  is  the 
only  fitting  one  for  the 
Perfect  Human  Being. 

To  that  end  he  spends  a 
large  part  of  his  time  in 
scheming  how  to  get  rid 
of  all  the  other  tints. 

All  of  which  is  a  great 
w^aste  of  centuries!  Old 
Tempus  the  Janitor  has  al 
ways  settled  the  Tint  question  with  his  Solar 
Stove  and  always  will. 

A  week  at  the  seashore  in  August  ought  to 
convince  anyone  of  the  efficiency  of  the  Solar 
Tint  Factory.     In  the  tan  of  the  surf  bather 
56] 


MILL-RACE 


RACE 

is  locked  up  the  secret  of  Race  Colouration. 

And  yet  there  are  some  Great  and  Wise 
Ones  who  believe  that  Civilization  (with  the 
assistance  of  Mr.  Marconi  and  Mr.  Rolls  H. 
Royce  and  a  few  others) 
will  bring  the  Race  Fami 
lies  into  such  close  rela 
tionship  that  they  will 
eventually  be  all  blended 
into  one  harmonious  Neu-  BLACK  RACE 

tral  Tint! 

A  pale  mauve  World!  One  tint,  one  relig 
ion,  one  food,  one  dress,  one  Drink,  one  every 
thing. 

How  appalling!  And  think  of  the  moment 
when  it  is  to  be  decided  once  and  forever 
which  it  is  to  be — Blonde  or  Brunette! 

Oh  those  Wise  and  Great  Ones! 


[57] 


T 


CHAPTER  XVI 

GOVERNMENTS  OF  THE  GLOBE 

HE  best  definition  of  Government  may 
be  found  in  Wordsworth's  lines: 


"The  simple  plan 

That  they  should  take  'who  have  the  power 
And  they  should  keep  <who  can!' 

In  every  community  on  Earth,  the  strongest, 
the  craftiest  or  the  wealthiest  of  the  male  in 
habitants  conspire  to  compel  their  weaker, 
stupider  or  poorer  brothers  and  sisters  to  pay 
them  for  the  privilege  of  remaining  on  earth. 

Government  by  the  Strongest  is  called  an 
Absolute  Monarchy. 

Government  by  the  Craftiest,  a  Limited 
Monarchy. 

Government  by  the  Wealthiest,  a  Republic. 

In  an  Absolute  Monarchy,  the  People  are 
Controlled. 
[58] 


GOVERNMENTS  OF  THE  GLOBE 

In  a  Limited  Monarchy,  they  are  Cajoled. 

In  a  Republic,  they  are  Sold. 

For  the  successful  operation  of  Limited 
Monarchies  and  Republics,  it  is  necessary  to 
delude  the  Common  People  into  the  belief 
that  they  are  managing  their  own  affairs. 


This  is  accomplished  by  means  of  a  House 
of  Lords,  Congress,  Chamber  of  Deputies, 
Diet,  Cortes,  Assembly,  Soviet,  Etc. 

These  merry  contrivances  are  designed  on 
the  principle  of  the  revolving  squirrel-cage, 
furnishing  harmless  exercise  without  progres 
sion. 

El9l 


THIS  GIDDY  GLOBE 

QUESTIONS 

Q.     What  is  a  Constitution? 

A.     A  concession  to  Liberty  enabling  her  to 

talk  herself  to  death. 
Q.      What  is  the  essential  difference  between 

one  government  and  another? 
A.     The  price  of  life. 


[60] 


CHAPTER  XVII 

THE  MORALS  OF  THE  GIDDY  GLOBE 

A  CCORDING  to  Moses,  the  First  Geog- 
JLJL  rapher,  Immorality  is  an  heirloom 
handed  down  to  us  by  our  First  Parents. 

Men  of  Science,  on  the  other  hand,  declare 
it  to  be  merely  the  psycho-neurotic  reaction 
of  climatic  environment  on  the  celliferous 
organism. 

In  other  words,  Vice  is  nothing  more  than 
Virtue  outside  of  its  natural  geographical 
latitude. 

This  is  clearly  set  forth  in  the  accompany 
ing  Moral  Map  of  the  World  in  which  the 
familiar  idiosyncrasies  of  Mankind  which  we 
are  wont  to  differentiate  as  Virtues  or  Vices 
are  shown  for  the  first  time  in  their  proper 
geographical  environment. 

(See  Moral  Map  of  the  World.) 


[61] 


PART  II 
THE   COUNTRIES   OF  THE   EARTH 

The  Countries  of  the  Earth  may  be  divided 
into  two  Groups,  the  English  speaking  coun 
tries  and  the  Foreign  Countries. 

The  English  Speaking  Countries  which 
comprise  the  United  States  and  the  British 
Empire  occupy  one  fourth  of  the  entire  surface 
of  the  Globe. 

The  rest  are  just  Foreign  Countries. 


CHAPTER  XVIII 
THE  POLES 

THE  Earth  has  three  kinds  of  Poles,  the 
Frigid  Poles  in  the  North  and  South 
and  the  very  hot  Poles  in  the  centre  of  Eu 
rope. 

This  chapter  is  about  the  North  Pole. 

The  North  Pole  is  the  Geographical  inter 
rogation  point  of  the  Earth. 

It  is  probably  the  only  absolutely  moral 
spot  in  the  World. 

Scientists  declare  it  to  be  the  site  of  the 
Garden  of  Eden,  thus  giving  colour  to  the 
popular  notion  that  Eden  was  the  original 
Roof  Garden. 

The  only  language  that  has  ever  been 
spoken  at  the  North  Pole  is  English. 

The  language  that  Lieutenant  Peary  used 
when  he  found  the  footprint  of  Doctor  Cook 
on  the  Pole,  whatever  else  it  might  be,  was 
English,  and  the  language  of  the  next  discov- 

[65] 


THIS  GIDDY  GLOBE 

erer,  when  he  finds  (or  does  not  find)  the 
footprint  of  Lieutenant  Peary,  will  probably 
be  English  too. 

Whatever  use  may  be  ultimately  found  for 


THE      A 
OR    TH 

Map  of 
RCTIC 
E    WHIT 

OCEAN 
E     SEA 

the  North  Pole,  up  to  the  present  time  it  has 
only  been  used  for  advertising  purposes. 

The  frozen  tracts  that  surround  it  bear  the 
names  of  Adventurers,  Princes  and  Editors, 
and  the  very  topmost  tip,  out  of  compliment 
to  a  well-known  pianist  and  politician,  has 
been  called  the  Magnetic  Pole. 
[66] 


THE  POLES 

So  far  as  we  know,  all  the  disadvantages  of 
the  North  Pole  are  shared  by  the  South  Pole, 

Xv 


THE  MAGNETIC  POLE 


but  for  some  reason  the  South  Pole  has  never 
been  so  successful  as  an  advertising  medium. 


[671 


THIS  GIDDY  GLOBE 


A  PERFECT  DAY  IN  NEW  YORK 


[68] 


AMERICA 


A  PERFECT  DAY  IN  PHILADELPHIA 


[69] 


CHAPTER  XIX 


AMERICA 


LET  us  see  America  first. 
On   a   moderrt  map   of   the   Western 
Hemisphere  America  is  as  easy  to  see  as  the 
Decorations  on  the  breast  of  a  Rear  Admiral 
of  a  Dry  Dock. 

One  wonders  how  it  escaped  being  discov 
ered  so  long! 

But  when  you  look  at  this  map  of  the  West 
ern  Hemisphere  as  it  appeared  about  a  thou 
sand  years  ago,  when  Lief  Ericsen  discovered 
New  England,  you  will  understand  that  dis- 
[70] 


AMERICA 

covering  America  in  those  days  was  no  child's 
play. 

Nevertheless,  Lief,  the  son  of  Eric,  did  not 
think  much  of  his  find. 

How  could  a  lowbrowed  viking  be  expected 
to  understand  Boston,  much  less  what  was  go 
ing  to  be  Boston  in  a  thousand  years! 


EARLY  MAP  OF  THE   WESTERN    HEMISPHERE 

After  writing  his  Impressions  of  America 
in  obscure  Runes  on  a  conspicuous  rock,  Lief 
pulled  up  his  anchor  and  sailed  home  to  Nor- 
way. 

No  one  could  decipher  the  Runes,  but 
everybody  suspected  what  they  meant. 

And  Lief  was  justly  punished  for  his  rude 
ness,  his  statue  stands  (so  runs  the  tale)  in  the 
Eenway  of  Boston  to  this  day. 


THIS  GIDDY  GLOBE 

America  was  not  discovered  again  for  near 
ly  five  hundred  years. 

Then  Christopher  Columbus  took  a  hand, 
but  though  he  made  four  trips  to  the  New 
World,  Columbus  carelessly  neglected  to 
write  a  book  or  even  a  magazine  article  on  his 
Impressions  of  America. 


A  new  path  in  Navigation,  just  as  in  Art  or 
Literature,  once  shown,  is  easy  to  follow,  and 
seven  years  later  an  Italian  plagiarist  named 
Amerigo  discovered  America  all  over  again 
and  copyrighted  the  whole  continent  in  his 
own  name. 

By  this  time,  as  the  accompanying  map  will 
show,  the  continent  of  America  had  gained 
considerably  in  bulk  and  offered  an  easy  mark 
[72] 


AMERICA 

to  the  horde  of  discoverers  who  came  in  the 
wake  of  Amerigo. 

And  still  they  come — and  though  it  is  too 
late  to  secure  a  copyright  on  the  continent  they 
never  fail  to  copyright  their  impressions  of 
America. 


[73] 


THIS  GIDDY  GLOBE 


1 


THE  MAYFLOWER 


[74] 


CHAPTER  XX 


BOSTON 


IN  spite  of  many  laudable  attempts,  Amer 
ica  was  never  seriously  discovered  until 
the  year  1620  when  the  Mayflower  landed  in 
Massachusetts  a  cargo  of  Heirlooms,  Boston 
Terriers,  Beans  and  Ancestors. 

Thus  were  established  the  three  leading  in 
dustries  of  Massachusetts,  the  manufacture  of 
genuine  antique  furniture  and  Pedigrees 
(Human  and  canine). 

[75] 


THIS  GIDDY  GLOBE 


BOSTON  is  a  centre  of  Gravity  completely 
surrounded  by  Newtons. 

BOSTON  is  also  the  centre  of  the  Universe. 


A  PERFECT  DAY  IN  BOSTON 

The  great  poet  Anonymous  has  immortal 
ized  Boston  as 

"The  home  of  the  Bean  and  the  Cod 
Where  Lowells  speak  only  to  Cabots 
And  Cabots  speak  only  to  God!' 


BOSTON 

Some  say  the  lines  were  not  written  by 
Anonymous  but  by  a  later  poet  named  Ibid, 
but  what  does  a  poet's  name  matter  except  to 
his  creditors? 

Boston  is  famous  for  its  historic  associations 
and  landmarks  which  well  repay  a  visit. 

Even  the  quaint  and  curious  Pullmans  that 
convey  the  traveller  thither  are  relics  of  a  by 
gone  day  and  a  joy  to  the  heart  of  the  anti 
quarian. 


[77] 


CHAPTER  XXI 

THE  UNITED  STATES 

THE  United   States  is  a  large  body  of 
laughter-loving  people  completely  sur 
rounded  by  Trusts. 

It  is  the  richest  country  in  the  world.  No 
where  is  food  so  plentiful,  nowhere  are  the 
Cows  so  friendly,  the  Hens  so  industrious. 

When  the  American  Hens  die 
they  go  to  join  their  unhatched 
children  in  a  cold-storage  Heaven 
where  they  live  forever. 

So  too  the  Cows,  so  too  the  Fish, 
if  there  is  room  for  them;  if  not  they  are 
turned  into  fertilizer  to  keep  them  from  scal 
ing  down  the  market  pjice. 

To  add  to  the  merriment  of  the  People,  the 
Sovereign  Farmers  and  Financiers  passed  an 
amendment  to  the  Constitution  and  Holy 
Writ  (See  I.  Timothy  V.  23.)  abolishing 
Temperance,  the  sin  of  resisting  temptation. 
At  their  bidding,  thousands  of  acres  of 

[78] 


THE  UNITED  STATES 

deadly  grape  vines  have  been  destroyed,  and, 
if  these  great  and  good  men  fulfil  their  prom- 


A  PILGRIM  LANDING 

ise,  ere  long  the  nation  will  be  saved  also  from 
the  ravages  of  the  vicious  Tobac— 

*  We  fail   to  see  what  this  has 
to   do  with  Geography. 

The  Reader. 

Well,  to  return  to  the  United  States.  The 
United  States  is  a  large  dry  country  bounded 
on  the  north  by  Canadian  Club  Whisky,  on 

[79] 


THIS  GIDDY  GLOBE 

the  south  by  Mexican  Pulque,  and  on  the  East 
and  West  by  Salt  Water.       The  Population 


THE  ORIGINAL  STRAPHANGERS 

consists  of  one  hundred  million  thirsty  souls, 
some  of  whom  are  Americans. 

Religious  to  a  fault,  and  ambidexterously 
prodigal,  they  nevertheless 
show  signs  of  reverting  to 
the  condition  of  the  Arbo 
real  Anthropoids. 

A  race  of  Straphangers  is 
developing.  At  certain  hours 
of  the  day,  they  may  be  seen 
seeking  their  habitations  in  great  flocks,  swing 
ing  from  strap  to  strap  with  loud  cries  and  a 
peculiar  whirling  motion. 

The    Original    inhabitants    were    Red    In 
dians;   these   were   supplanted   by   Pale    Pil 
grims,  who  first  settled  the  country  and  then 
settled  the  Indians. 
[80] 


THE  UNITED  STATES 

The  Indian  practice  of  painting  and  wear 
ing  feathers  shocked  the  ^u 
Pilgrim  Fathers  and  Pil-  y/5^ 
grim  Mothers,  but  the  Pil 
grim  Daughters  made  a  note 
of  the  fashions  for  future 
use. 

The  climate  of  the  United 
States  is  bracing  and  stimu 
lating;  travellers  have  even  been  known  to 
compare  the  air  to  champagne  but,  though 
highly  exhilarating  it  is  absolutely  non-intoxi 
cating.  ^ 

I 


Prohibition  Chemists  after  a  careful  analy 
sis  having  discovered  no  perceptible  trace  of 
Alcohol,  The  Anti-Saloon  League  has  decided 
that  the  use  of  the  atmosphere  shall  be  in  no 
way  restricted. 

In  large  cities  the  sky  is  kept  clean  by  means 
of  tall  Sky-Scrapers.  Nowhere  is  there  a 

[81] 


THIS  GIDDY  GLOBE 

more  impressive  example  of  American  invent 
ive  Genius  than  the  array  of  Sky-Scrapers  seen 
from  New  York  Harbour,  day  and  night, 
year  in,  year  out,  scraping  away  the  germ- 
laden  dust  and  refuse  and  imparting  a  bright 
and  cheerful  gloss  to  the  surface  of  the  sky. 
Another  object  of  interest  in 
the  harbour  is  the  statue  of  a 
once  popular  favourite. 

People  \vho    remember   her, 
say  it  is   far   from   a  flattering 
likeness. 

The  Capitol  of  the  United 
States  is  Washington — named 
after  a  famous  Britisher  \vho 
won  American  Independence  from  George 
the  III,  the  fat  German  King  of  unsound 
mind,  then  holding  down  the  English  Throne. 
New  York  is  the  tallest  and  the  noisiest  city 
in  the  world.  It  contains  over  Five  million 
people  speaking  a  Babel  of  twenty  different 
languages  besides  English. 

The  inhabitants  of  America  are  the  most 
Moral  and  Patriotic  people  in  the  World,  and 
their  army  is  second  to  none  in  bravery  and 
won  the  World  War. 

[82] 


THE  UNITED  STATES 


\ 


UNCLE    SAM'S    PHRENOLOGICAL    CHART 


Thirst 

Self-effacement 

Calculation 

Providence. 

Love  of  the   Almighty    ($) 

Justice 

Somnolence 

Love    of    Peaches 

Pride   of   Race 

Nicotianity 

Love  of  Camp-meetings 

Fruitfulness 

Coonfulness 

Colour 

Levity 

Illicit    Spirituality 

Love   of    Travel 

Size 

Bashfulness 

Scribosity 

Armorousness 


23     Aquasity 


2 

27 

28 

29 

30 

31 

32 

33 

34 

35 

36 

37 

38 

39 

40 

41 

42 

43 


Prairifulness 

Plainness 

Incredulity 

Animosity 

Nebraskability 

Love    of    Freedom 

Modesty 

Oregonality 

Furbearance 

Argentility 

Pique 

Breadth 

Presence    of    Mine 

Gamefulness 

Conjugality 

Cowboyishness 

Sheepishness 

Reserve 

Reciprocity 


[83] 


CHAPTER  XXII 


CANADA 


CANADA,  with  the  exception  of  Mexico, 
is  the  only  part  of  North  America  not 
ruled  by  the  Irish. 

In  former  days  it  was  a 
popular  Health  Resort  for 
frenzied  financiers  who 
wished  to  retire  from  private 
life. 

It  is  now  a  still  more  pop 
ular  resort  for  Americans 
suffering  from  thirst. 

Though  next  door  neigh 
bours  and  rivals  in  business 
and,  what  is  still  more  try 
ing,  near  relatives,  Canada 
and  the  United  States  are  the 
best  of  friends. 

For  over  a  hundred  years 
there  has  not  been  so  much  as  a  picket-fence 
or  a  policeman,  much  less  a  patrol  or  a  forti- 
[84] 


"The  apparel  oft 
proclaims  the  man." 
— HAMLET. 


CANADA 

fication,  on  the  border  line  between  the  two 
countries. 

Canada  has  not,  like  her  sister  Columbia, 
"severed  home  ties";  she  is  perfectly  happy 
under  the  parental  roof,  earns  her  own  living, 
has  a  latch  key  and  stays  out  as  late  as  she 
pleases  and  has  never  been  able  to  understand 
"why  girls  leave  home." 

Though  differing  in  many  respects,  the 
United  States  and  Canada  have  so  much  in 
common  and  are  so  nearly  of  the  same  age  and 
size  that,  in  any  musical  comedy  of  Nations, 
the  two  might  easily  pass  for  a  "sister  turn." 

The  inhabitants  of  Canada  are  the  most 
Moral  and  Patriotic  people  in  the  World,  and 
their  army  is  second  to  none  in  bravery  and 
won  the  World  War. 


[85! 


CHAPTER  XXIII 


GREAT  BRITAIN 

IF  you  look  carefully  under  the  upper  left 
hand  corner  of  the  map  of  Europe,  you 
will  find  a  small  pink  island  no  bigger  than 
the  state  of  Idaho. 

But  a  Country  must  not 
be  judged  by  its  size. 

The  Planet  Jupiter  is 
twelve  times  as  large  as 
this  Giddy  Globe  of  ours, 
and  has  eight  private 
moons  of  its  own,  but  for 
all  that  Jupiter  is  not  a  de 
sirable  spot  for  Lovers,  being  for  the  most 
part  molten,  and  somewhat  spotty. 

This  little  Pink  Island  is  Great  Britain,  the 
little  mother  of  one-fourth  of  all  the  countries 
of  the  Globe,  including  the  United  States. 

The  English  People,  or  (if  one  must  be  ac 
curate)   the  British,  are  the  most  to  and  fro- 
[86] 


THE  PLANET  JUPITER 
(from  a  photograph) 


GREAT  BRITAIN 


From    poster    by    Jamc*    Montgomery    Flagg. 

THE   ENGLISH-SPEAKING    UNION 


[87! 


THIS  GIDDY  GLOBE 

ward  people  in  the  world;  like  the  bear  in  the 
fable  when  they  are  tired  of  going  to  and  fro 
they  reverse  the  process  and  go  fro  and  to. 

With  Bibles  and  Bathtubs 
And  Ballots  and  Beer 
And  Hope  and  Hygienics 
They  girdle  the  Sphere. 

In  every  quarter  of  the  globe  they  have 
planted  seeds  of  self-government  which  today 
are  blossoming  into  an  English-Speaking 
Union  under  the  British  and  American  Flags 
that  embrace  one-fourth 
of  the  surface  of  the  earth. 
The  climate  of  England 
is  temperate.  Its  air  is  not, 
like  that  of  the  United 
States,  compared  to  cham 
pagne. 

London,  the  capital,  is  famous  for  its  fogs; 
this  is  due  to  the  absence  of  Sky-Scrapers. 

London  is  also  the  centre  of  that  vicious 
heritage  of  the  Victorian  Era,  Respectabil 
ity. 

For  any  enjoyable  degree  of  latitude,  the 
Londoner  must  go  to  Paris,  Vienna  or  Buda 
Pesth  and  other  capitals,  which  in  return  take 
[88] 


GREAT  BRITAIN 

their  degrees  of  longitude  from  London  (or 
Greenwich). 

This  picture  shows  the  famous  Rock  of 
Gibraltar,  inscribed  with  the  French  motto  of 
British  respectability  (Honi  soit  qui  mal  y 
pense)  done  into  English. 

The  principal  products  of  Great  Britain  are 
Beef,  Bishops,  Banks,  and  Barometers. 

The  inhabitants  of  England  are  the  most 
Moral  and  Patriotic  people  in  the  World, 
and  their  army  is  second  to  none  in  bravery 
and  won  the  World  War. 


[89] 


CHAPTER  XXIV 


SCOTLAND 

A   MOUNTAINOUS,    peaty    region    in 
the  northern  part  of  Great  Britain. 
The  Dew  distilled  from  the  Scotch  moun 
tains,    flavoured    with    the 
peat  of  the  valleys  is  high 
ly  prized  by  the  natives,  not 
only  of  Scotland  but  of  all 
the  English  speaking  coun 
tries  of  this  Giddy  Globe. 

The  inhabitants  are  a 
tall,  barb-wiry,  music-lov 
ing,  pious  and  joke-fearing 
race,  fond  of  loud  plaids 
and  still  Lauder  songs. 

Their  tall   spare  frames 
have  given  rise  to  the  term 
Bony  (or  Bonny)  Scotland, 
supposed  by  some  to  be  de 
rived    from   "Bonnet,"   the 
national  headgear. 
[90] 


"The  apparel  oft  pro 
claims  the  man."— 
HAMLET. 


SCOTLAND 

The  principal  products  of  Scotland  are 
Porridge,  Parsons  and  Pilbrochs. 

The  inhabitants  of  Scotland  are  the  most 
Moral  and  Patriotic  people  in  the  World, 
and  their  army  is  second  to  none  in  bravery 
and  won  the  World  War. 


CHAPTER  XXV 


IRELAND 


"The  apparel  oft  proclaims  the  man." — HAMLET. 

RELANDisthelandof 
the  Irish  Bull,  a  par 
adoxical  Bovine  whose 
cross-eyed  horns  can  toss  a 
British  commonplace  in 
two  directions  at  once. 

The  population  of  Ire 
land  consists  chiefly  of  Ab 
sentee  landlords  and  Emi 
grants  to  the  United  States, 
They  are  ruled  by  two 
Absentee  governments,  a  Parliament  at  West 
minster  and  an  Itinerant  President. 
[92] 


IRELAND 


SCENE  IN  IRISH  HOUSE  OF  PARLIAMENT 


[93] 


THIS  GIDDY  GLOBE 

The  country  is  infested  with  Absentee 
Snakes.  It  is  believed  that  the  Serpent  who 
tempted  Eve  (from  the  "way  he  had  with  the 
women")  was  one  of  these  Absentee  snakes. 

Strabo,  the  Greek  Geographer  who  visited 
Ireland  long  before  St.  Patrick,  describes 
the  inhabitants  as,  "more  savage  than  the  Brit 
ons,  feeding  on  human  flesh  and  enormous 
eaters,  deeming  it  commendable  to  devour 
their  deceased  fathers ." 

Strabo  evidently  attended  a  wake  and  mis 
calculated  the  strength  of  the  national  bev 
erage. 

The  principal  products  of  Ireland  are  Po 
tatoes,  Pugilists,  Patriots,*  Poteen  and  Ber 
nard  Shaw. 

The  inhabitants  of  Ireland  are  the  most 
Moral  and  Patriotic  people  in  the  World, 
and  their  army  is  second  to  none  in  bravery 
and  won  the  World  War. 

*  The    term    Patriot   is    derived    from    two     Greek     words,     Pat,     a 
patronymic,     and     Riot,     a     national    pastime. 


[941 


IRELAND 


THE  GIDDY  GLOBE  CONSOLING  IRELAND 


[95] 


CHAPTER  XXVI 

WALES 


See  the  Welsh  Rabbit — he  is  bred  on  cheese; 
(Or    cheese    on    bread,    whichever   way    you 

please] . 
Although  he's  tough,  he  looks  so  mild,  who'd 

think 
That  a  strong  man  frorrCthis  small  beast  would 

shrink? 

Carolyn  Wells. 

WALES  is  the  home  of  the  Welsh  bards 
so    called    because    the    language    in 
which   they  are  written,  which   resembles   a 
mixture  of  Chech,  Chinese,  Celtic  and  Chock- 

[96] 


WALES 

taw,  is  barred  from  the  concert  and  operatic 
stage. 

The  most  famous  products  of  Wales  are  the 
Welsh  Rabbit,  the  Prince  of  Wales  and  Lloyd 
George. 

The  Welsh  Rabbit,  born  in  a  chafing  dish 
and  prolific  as  his  namesake  of  Australia,  has 
spread  all  over  the  Giddy  Globe  and  been  a 
potent  factor  in  keeping  the  world  awake. 

Lloyd  George  too  (strange  parallel!)  was 
born  in  a  political  chafing  dish  and  has  been 
an  even  more  powerful  factor  in  keeping  the 
world  awake. 

Let  us  hope  that  the  Prince  of  Wales  (Bless 
him)  will  follow  in  the  footsteps  of  this  illus 
trious  pair  and  live  to  keep  the  world  awake 
long  after  this  Geography  has  gone  into  its 
hundred  thousandth  edition! 

The  Prince  has  been  immortalised  in  the 
following  lines: 

"Hurray!"  cried  the  Kitten, 

"Hurray!" 

As  he  merrily  set  the  sails, 
"I  sail  o'er  the  ocean 
today,  today, 
To  look  at  the  Prince  of  Wales!" 

[97] 


THIS  GIDDY  GLOBE 

'Oh,  Kitten,  pause  at  the  brink/ 
And  think  of  the  angry  gales!" 

'Ah,  yes,"  cried  the  Kitten,  "but  think! 
Oh,  think  of  the  Prince  of  Wales!" 

'But,  Kitten,"  I  cried,  dismayed, 
(If  you  live  through  the  angry  gales 
You  know  you  will  be  afraid 
To  look  at  the  Prince  of  Wales!" 

Said  the  Kitten,  "No  such  thing/ 
Why  should  he  make  me  wince? 
If  a  Cat  may  look  at  a  King, 
A  Kitten  may  look  at  a  Prince' 


[98] 


PART  III 
FOREIGN  COUNTRIES 


CHAPTER  XXVII 

SOUTH  AMERICA 

FROM  the  beginning  of  time  up  to  the 
present  century,  the  continents  of  North 
and  South  America  were  joined  together  in 
terrestrial  bonds  of  matrimony. 


SOUTH  AMERICAN  WILD  HORSE 
(From  an  instantaneous  photograph  of  an  animal  cracker) 

They  were  seemingly  inseparable. 

The  first  indication  that  everything  was  not 
as  it  should  be  with  this  long  united  couple, 
was  in  the  year  1880,  when  a  Frenchman 
named  De  Lesseps  (who  had  already  succeed- 

[101] 


THIS  GIDDY  GLOBE 

ed  in  divorcing  Asia  and  Africa)  attempted 
to  bring  about  a  separation. 

The  attemp",  however,  was  a  failure,  and, 
after  dragging  on  for  eight  years,  proceed 
ings  were  dropped  for  want  of  funds. 

Fourteen  years  later  President  Roosevelt, 
desiring  to  remove  all  obstacles  to  a  much  de 
sired  union  of  the  Atlantic  and  Pacific  Oceans, 
started  a  new  action  for  divorce  on  the  same 
grounds  as  that  of  De  Lesseps,  and  in  August, 
1902,  the  divorce  of  North  and  South  America 
and  the  wedding  of  the  Atlantic  and  Pacific 
Oceans  were  simultaneously  celebrated. 

The  Northern  and  Southern  continents  are 
now  better  friends  than  ever  and  the  Atlantic 
Ocean  no  longer  has  to  sneak  round  by  the 
back  door  to  spend  an  evening  with  the 
Pacific. 


[102] 


CHAPTER  XXVIII 

HOLLAND 


THE  Dutch  are  the  cleanest  people  in  the 
world.    So  deep-seated  is  Dutch  clean 
liness  that  Godliness   (in  the  next  seat)   must 
get  up  and  cling  to  a  strap. 

In  Holland  they  run  cleanliness  into  the 
ground,  the  heads  of  the  cabbages  are  in 
spected  every  day  and  the  ears  of  the  corn 
and  the  necks  of  the  bottles  scrubbed  regularly 
every  Saturday  night. 


THIS  GIDDY  GLOBE 

The  Sky  alone  escapes  the  mop  of  the  Dutch 
housewife  but  the  clouds  are  kept  busy  posing 
for  the  landscape  painters. 

Even  the  Wind  is  not  allowed  to  be  idle; 
wind  mills  are  posted  everywhere  and  not  a 
breath  of  air  can  stir  without  performing 
some  useful  task. 

And  the  Sea!  The  majestic  Sea,  that  has 
always  boasted  of  its  freedom,  is  locked  up  in 
Dykes  and  forced  to  do  the  work  of  highways 
and  railroads. 

The  capital  of  Holland  is  the  Hague,  and 
here  was  held  the  first  Peace  Conference  (in 
1898),  a  gathering  of  Autocrats  and  Pluto 
crats  to  discuss  the  Economics  of  War. 

Firstly,  to  make  rules  by  which  war  may  be 
conducted  writh  the  least  possible  damage  to 
Vested  Interests. 

Secondly,  to  reduce  the  cost  of  war  by  the 
use  of  methods  which,  while  putting  a  soldier 
out  of  action,  will  not  injure  him  beyond  the 
possibility  of  repair  for  use  in  another  War. 

Today  the  Peace  Palace  is  to  let  and 
Andrew  Carnegie,  who  built  it,  is  dead,  but 
another  Conference  (called  by  Woodrow 
Wilson)  is  to  be  held  in  Geneva  which,  Peter 
Simple  hopes,  will  abolish  War  forever. 
[104] 


HOLLAND 

The  inhabitants  of  Holland  are  the  most 
Moral  and  Patriotic  people  in  the  World,  and 
their  army  is  second  to  none  in  bravery  and 
won  the  World  War. 


[105] 


CHAPTER  XXIX 

BELGIUM 

BELGIUM  may  be  compared  to  a  Hollan- 
daise     Sauce    with    a    piquant    Gallic 
flavour. 

Belgium  is  the  Bridgeway  from  Prussia  to 
France,  and  King  Albert  of  Belgium  is  the 
modern  Horatius  who 

.  .  .  facing  fearful  odds, 
For  the  ashes  of  his  fathers 
And  the  temples  of  his  Gods," 

kept  "the  bridge"  in  the  brave  days  of  1914. 

Crowns  are  not  as  fashionable  today  as  they 
were  in  1914,  but  the  Crown  of  King  Albert 
is  of  the  sort  that  will  never  be  out  of  style, 
and  besides  being  a  perfect  fit,  is  strikingly 
becoming  to  him. 

When    Julius    Caesar    described    the    Bel 
gians  as  the  "Bravest  of  all  the  Gauls"  he  was 
a  Prophet  as  well  as  a  Historian, 
[106] 


BELGIUM 

The  inhabitants  of  Belgium  are  the  most 
Moral  and  Patriotic  people  in  the  World,  and 
if  they  hadn't  "kept  the  bridge"  the  World 
War  could  never  have  been  won. 


[107] 


FRANCE 


A  PERFECT  DAY  IN  PARIS 


[108] 


CHAPTER  XXX 


FRANCE 


"The  apparel  oft  proclaims  the  man." — HAMLET. 

FRANCE  is  the  greatest  Millinery  Power 
on  earth.    The  capital  of  France  is  Paris. 
Paris,  though  inhabited  largely  by  Ameri 
cans  and  English,  is  famous  for  its  gaiety. 
The  principal  products  of  Paris  are  Plaster 

[109] 


THIS  GIDDY  GLOBE 

of  Paris,  Paris  Green,  Parasols  and  Pate  de 
fois  gras.* 

*  Alliteration  is  the  thief  of  ac 
curacy  !  Pate  de  fois  gras  is 
the  product  of  Strasburg. 

The  Reader. 

The  Reader  is,  for  once,  mistaken.  Paris, 
as  everyone  knows,  is  France,  and  Strasburg, 
thanks  to  Haig,  Foch,  Albert,  Pershing  and 
Co.,  is  now  French. 

Paris  is  divided  into  two  parts — 

I.     Paris  Proper. 

Famous  for  The  Eiffel  tower,  a  skyscraper 
that  contains  no  offices  and  the  Magasin  de 
Louvre  which  is  visited  by  thousands  of 
Americans  daily. 

There  is  also  another  Louvre  containing 
some  pictures  (hand  painted)  and  statues. 

II.     Paris  Improper. 
r 


(See  Appendix.) 

The   inhabitants   of    France   are    the   most 
Moral  and  Patriotic  people  in  the  World,  and 
their  army  is  second  to  none  in  bravery  and 
won  the  World  War. 
[no] 


CHAPTER  XXXI 


GERMANY 

THIS  SPACE  TO  LET 

While  Repairs  are  being  made, 
in  the  temporary  absence  of 
Messrs.  Hohenzollern  &  Co., 
the  Show  Window  of  this  estab 
lishment  may  be  rented  for  the 
display  of  Bolshevism,  Anar 
chism,  Socialism,  or  any  other 
popular  Ism  that  may  apply. 


"The  apparel  oft 
proclaims  the  man." 
— HAMLET. 


[ml 


CHAPTER  XXXII 

SWITZERLAND 

SWITZERLAND  is  famous  for  its  Con 
densed  Milk,  Cuckoo  Clocks,  Yodelers, 
and  Heroes. 

The  Swiss  are  an  Artless  people. 
"What  more  worthy  people!  Whose  every 
Alpine  gap  yawns  with  tradition,  and  is 
stocked  with  noble  story,  yet,  the  perverse  and 
scornful  one  (Art)  will  none  of  it,  and  the 
sons  of  patriots  are  left  with  the  clock  that 
turns  the  mill,  and  the  sudden  cuckoo,  with 
difficulty  restrained  in  its  box." 

Whistler. 

The  inhabitants  of  Switzerland  are  the  most 
Moral  and  Patriotic  people  in  the  World  and 
their  army  is  second  to  none  in  bravery  and 
won  the  World  War. 


[112] 


CHAPTER  XXXIII 

MONACO 


MONACO  is  the  centre  of  the  spinning 
industry  of  the  world. 

Over  a  million  and  a  quarter  people  go  to 
Monte  Carlo  every  year  to  spin. 

The  inhabitants  of  Monaco  are  the  most 
Moral  and  Patriotic  people  in  the  World,  and 
their  army  is  second  to  none  in  bravery  and 
won  the  World  War. 


[113] 


CHAPTER  XXXIV 

TURKEY 


WHEN  what  was  once  a  Turkey  comes 
before  us  on  a  platter  (like  this)  shorn 
of  all  that  endeared  it  to  itself,  a  burnt  offer 
ing  to  Appetite,  fresh  from  the  burning,  no 
one  questions  what  will  be  the  "  .  ...  last 
scene  of  all.  That  ends  this  strange  eventful 
history." 

All  he  wants  to  know  is  whether  he  \vill  get 
the  particular  slice  he  has  mentally  reserved 
for  himself. 

Just  so  that  other  Turkey  that  sits  on  the 
fence  between  Europe  and  Asia  and  gobbles 
defiance  at  an  avenging  world. 
[114] 


TURKEY 

The  avenging  Powers  sit  round  as  they  have 
cat  round  before,  waiting  each  one  for  the  slice 
he  has  mentally  reserved  for  himself.  But 
there  won't  be  any  slices! 

You  may  burn,  you  may  shatter 

The  Turk  if  you  mil, 
He  will  rise  from  his  ashes 

And  roost  with  you  still. 

He  is  the  modern  incarnation  of  the  inde 
structible  Phoenix  Bird. 

Nevertheless  we  must  give  the  Devil  his 
due;  the  Turks  are  a  fearless  people;  they 
have  many  wives. 

The  inhabitants  of  Turkey  are  the  most 
Moral  and  Patriotic  people  in  the  World,  and 
their  army  is  second  to  none  in  bravery  and 
they  won  the  World  War. 


["Si 


THIS  GIDDY  GLOBE 


A  PERFECT  DAY  IN  PETROGRAD 


["61 


CHAPTER  XXXV 

RUSSIA 

RUSSIA  comprises  one-sixth  of  the  land 
scape  and  snowscape  of  the  Globe.  For 
merly  the  property  of  a  Czar  named  Nicho 
las,  it  is  now  owned  by  a  Superczar  named 
Lenine. 

The  principal  objects  of  interest  are  Sam 
ovars,  Soviets,  Sables,  and  the  Steppes. 

The  Steppes  of  Russia,  though  vast  and 
quite  bare,  have  nothing  to  do  with  those  of 
the  Russian  Dancers. 

At  the  present  stage  of  Russian  Affairs  they 
may  better  be  compared  to  the  well-known 
Steps  to  Avernus,  which  are  for  descent  only 
—and  easy  at  that! 

Today  almost  the  only  articles  of  Russian 
Manufacture  are  Natural  Ice  and  Press  Dis 
patches. 

Of  manufacture  of  the  latter,  as  regards 

[117] 


THIS  GIDDY  GLOBE 

volume  at  least,  there  has  never  been  such  an 
enorm— 

*  Why  go  on  about  Russia? 

The  Reader. 

Quite  right!  Russia  is  too  large  for  such  a 
little  Geography  as  this. 


We  will  leave  Russia  as  quickly  as  possible. 
Watch  your  Steppe! 


[118] 


CHAPTER  XXXVI 

NORWAY   AND   SWEDEN 

IT  is  all  very  sad  about  Norway  and 
Sweden!  A  handsomer  country  couple— 
or  couple  of  countries — it  would  be  hard  to 
meet  anywhere,  and  so  propinquous!  Have 
they  not  been  next-door  neighbours  from  the 
infancy  of  the  world? 

And  everybody  knows  what  Propinquity 
does. 

It  is  Cupid's  middle  name;  what  more  nat 
ural  than  that  they  should  get  married? 

Haven't  you  heard?  Well,  it  all  happened 
so  quickly,  they  were  married  in  Vienna  in 
1815,  and — well,  you  know  Propinquity  is  the 
Devil's  middle  name,  too — they  were  divorced 
in  1905  after  a  brief  married  life  of  only 
ninety  years! 

What  could  have  been  the  trouble? 

Some  say  the  food,  others  attribute  it  to  the 
Domestic  Drama.  Perhaps  it  was  both.  Here 
is  a  typical  Scandinavian  Menu— 


THIS  GIDDY  GLOBE 

Pjkled  Ojsters 
Bjsque  of  Snajls 
Frjed  Fjsh 
Natjve  Wjne 
Qujnce  Jce-cream 
Onjons  and  Bjsqujts 

It  might  almost  pass  for  an  Ibsen  Play  with 
the  average  theatre-goer;  it  has  what  the  aver 
age  theatre-goer  calls  "atmosphere." 


/  once  drew  Ibsen,  looking  bored 
Across  a  deep  Norwegian  Fjord, 
And  very  nearly  everyone 
Mistook  him  for  the  Midnight  Sun. 
[120] 


NORWAY  AND  SWEDEN 

Norway  is  the  home  of  the  Ibsenian  or 
stodgy,  as  distinguished  from  the  stagey, 
Drama. 

James  Huneker,  the  eminent  Lexicog 
rapher,  as  a  compliment  to  that  great  and  hir- 
sutiferous  playwright,  has  re-christened  Nor 
way  "The  Land  of  the  Midnight  Whiskers." 

The  inhabitants  of  Norway  and  Sweden  are 
the  most  Moral  and  Patriotic  People  in  the 
World,  and  they  won  the  World  War. 


[121] 


CHAPTER  XXXVII 

AFRICA 


"THE    APPAREL    OFT    PROCLAIMS    THE     MAN." — HAMLET. 

AFRICA  is  the  richest  "jack-pot"  in  the 
game  of  territorial  "freeze-out"  played 
by  the  European  Powers.  The  stakes  repre 
sent  diamonds,  gold,  ivory,  rubber  and  slaves, 
though  the  latter  are  nominally  outside  the 
limit. 

[122] 


AFRICA 

The  game  began  nearly  three  centuries  ago 
and  now  in  the  early  morning  of  the  twentieth 
century  (such  a  fascinating  game  is  Poker!) 


AN  ELEPHANT 
(From  an  instantaneous  photograph  of  an  animal  cracker) 

it  is  still  in  progress,  though  Germany,  who 
staked  all  her  pile -and  lost,  has  dropped  out. 


A  LION 
(From  an  instantaneous  photograph  of  an  animal  cracker) 

The  ancient  Greek  Geographer  Strabo  (64 
B.  C.)  describes  Africa  as  "the  fruitful  nurse 
of  large  serpents,  elephants,  antelopes  and 

[123] 


THIS  GIDDY  GLOBE 


Children,  behold  the  Chimpanzee! 
He  sits  on  the  ancestral  tree 
From  which  we  sprang  in  ages  gone, 
I'm  glad  we  sprang — had  we  held  on 
We  might,  for  all  that  I  can  say, 
Be   horrid   Chimpanzees  to-day. 


[124] 


AFRICA 

similar  animals;  of  lions  also  and  panthers." 
He  does  not  mention  the  Chimpanzees,  who 
are  the  most  remarkable  of  all  the  aboriginal 
inhabitants,  a  gentle  and  peace-loving  race, 
abstemious  without  being  bigoted,  and  pa 
triotic  to  a  high  degree,  very  few  surviving 
transportation  from  their  native  jungle. 

The  inhabitants  of  Africa  are  the  most 
Moral  and  Patriotic  in  the  World,  and  their 
army  is  second  to  none  in  bravery  and  won  the 
World  War. 


[125] 


CHAPTER  XXXVIII 

ARABIA 


A  CAMEL 
(From  an  instantaneous  photograph  of  an  animal  cracker) 

ARABIA  is  the  home  of  the  Camel  and 
the  Bedouin. 

aThe  Camel  may  be  likened  to 
A  desert  ship.     (This  is  not  new.) 
He  is  a  most  ungainly  craft, 
With  frowning  turrets  fore  and  aft 
We  little  realize  on  earth, 
How  much  we  owe  to  his  great  girth, 
[126] 


ARABIA 

For  should  he  ever  shrink  so  small 
As  through  the  needle's  eye  to  crawl, 
Rich  men  might  climb  the  golden  stairs 
And  so  leave  nothing  to  their  heirs." 

The  Camel  is  called  the  ship  of  the  desert 
because  its  gait  is  said  to  resemble  the  motion 
of  a  ship. 

To  be  strictly  accurate  it  is  a  hundred  times 


A  BEDOUIN 


A    FOLDING-BEDOUIN 


worse  than  a  ship,  but  not  quite  so  bad  as  a 
motor  bus. 

The  Bedouin  makes  his  bed  in  the  sand,  or 
bed-rock,  avoiding  river-beds  or  water  in  any 
form. 

He  must  not  be  confounded  with  the  Fold 
ing-Bedouins  of  North  America. 

The  Folding-Bedouins  are  a  semi-nomadic 

[127] 


THIS  GIDDY  GLOBE 

tribe,  supposed  by  some  to  be  related  to  the 
Hall-Roomanians  and  the  Red-Inkas  of  Bo 
hemia. 

The  inhabitants  of  Arabia  are  the  most 
Moral  and  Patriotic  in  the  World,  and  their 
army  is  second  to  none  in  bravery  and  won  the 
World  War. 


[128] 


CHAPTER  XXXIX 

AUSTRALIA 


ANYONE   desiring   a   change   from   the 
wearisome     rotation     of     our     seasons, 
should  go  to  Australia,  where  Spring  com 
mences  on  September  the  twenty-third,  Sum 
mer  on  December  the  twenty-second,  Autumr 


on  March  the  twenty-first  and  Winter  on  June 
the  twenty-first. 

The  Fauna  of  Australia,  as  if  determined 
not  to  be  outdone  in  eccentricity  by  the  Sea 
sons,  is  represented  by  the  Ornithorynchus 
Paradoxus,  which  Peter  Simple  has  described 
in  the  following  lines 

[129] 


THIS  GIDDY  GLOBE 

My  child,  the  Duck-billed  Platypus 

A  sad  example  sets  for  us. 

From  him  we  learn  how  indecision 

Of  character  provokes  derision. 

This  vacillating  beast,  you  see, 

Could  not  decide  which  he  would  be— 

Fish,  flesh  or  fowl — and  chose  all  three. 

The  scientists  were  sorely  vexed, 

To  classify  him  so  perplexed 

Their  brains  that  they  with  rage  at  bay 

Called  him  a  horrid  name  one  day, 

A  name  that  baffles,  frights  and  shocks  u 

Ornithorynchus  Paradoxus. 

The  inhabitants  of  Australia  are  the  moat 
Moral  and  Patriotic  people  in  the  World,  and 
their  army  is  second  to  none  in  bravery  and 
won  the  World  War. 


[130] 


CHAPTER  XL 

CHINA 


CHINA  is  known  as  the  Flowery  King 
dom.     It  is  the  most  exclusive  flower- 
garden  in  the  world,  and  is  surrounded  by  a 
high  wall. 

The  only  Flower  that  succeeds  in  climbing 
the  high  wall  is  the  little  flower  of  Pekoe  and 
her  sisters  who  leave  their  Porcelain  Paradise 
to  cheer  without  inebriating  the  dull  people 
of  the  outside  world. 

The  country  of  China,  too,  may  be  likened 
to  a  Flower;  her  treasure  is  the  envy  of  the 
world,  and  flower-like  she  must  remain  rooted 

[131] 


THIS  GIDDY  GLOBE 

to  the  ground  while  the  Busy  Bees  from  other 
lands  relieve  her  of  everything  she  possesses. 

Everyone  agrees  that  China  should  have  an 
Open  Door,  but  the  Busy  Bee  Nations  want  a 
Door  that  opens  only  inwards,  while  the 
Flower  Nation  wants  a  door  that  opens  only 
outwards. 

At  a  recent  conference  of  Bees  and  Flowers, 
Peter  Simple  suggested  a  Revolving  Door  as 
a  compromise. 

A  commission  was  at  once  appointed  by 
President  Chu  Chin  Chow  to  report  on  Re 
volving  Doors. 

The  matter  is  still  being  revolved.  It  may 
end  in  a  Revolution. 

The  inhabitants  of  China  are  the  most 
Moral  and  Patriotic"  people  in  the  World,  and 
their  army  is  second  to  none  in  bravery  and 
won  the  World  War. 


[132] 


CHAPTER  XLI 

JAPAN 


^  I.  o  O 
-t-  *  4-  3: 
^  *  X<  ^ 


*  ~  i  ?    *  ri     '  ^ 

'  ^  w     7"  4      oy  ¥ 

^OO^^-.^      .v^       ^  i 


^    a      ,'  Jf        ^  «f »  -r   ••« 

5.*  i  i  s    ~  i;?^^ 

'   a  ^  t  ooyy^-e-vb-?      ¥t^^^"^ 

^^     ^5"^°^     ^y,^  '«  r* 
i  */  /  ^  *>  ^  *  *  »  •  TT  -  tj  -    ; ;  f  M  V  ' 

^  '     f*  ^  i  ^  J  iS  *  '8 

*-.  •• .  ii  *4w  « sp '     *  i  x  j  £  «2  /,  i 

^   ^     tk-^'  ^*        '        ^       *  **   ~    "    s    *  '**  , 

>:J  to      *     ^     ir  »  i  *  ^  >  i.*;  v 

'   ^  t3                 f        «  H    *    v         W*  M '  *     ^{ 

¥1S?J  lii22U»8-w 

^d^*    ^  *!'     "        X     *J&     £^      y 

^    ^  T^   S^  &.  v^  .      x 


TRANSLATION 

The  inhabitants  of  Japan  are  the  most  Moral  and  Patriotic 
people  in  the  World,  and  their  army  is  second  to  none  in 
bravery  and  won  the  World  War. 

[133] 


CHAPTER  XLII 

EGYPT,  INDIA,  ITALY,  SPAIN,  GREECE,  ETC. 


NO  work  on  Geography  could  be  called 
complete  without  a  description  of  these 
six  (counting,  etc.)  countries. 

If  the  Reader  should  ask  me  how  I  came  to 
leave  six  such  important  countries  to  the  last 
page,  I  should  be  compelled  to  change  the  sub 
ject. 

Writing  a  little  Geography  Book  is  like 
packing  a  very  small  bag  for  a  journey  round 
the  world,  only  instead  of  cramming  it  with 
shirts  and  shoes  and  collars  and  handkerchiefs 
and  brushes,  you  stuff  it  full  of  countries,  and 
when  you  try  to  close  it  (as  with  the  bag)  you 
[134] 


EGYPT,  INDIA,  ITALY,  SPAIN,  GREECE 

always  find  that  you  have  left  out  at  least  sev 
eral  of  the  most  important  things. 

No  amount  of  squeezing  (or  sitting  on  the 
lid)  will  make  room  for  six  such  big  coun 
tries  in  a  little  book  that  is  already  as  full  as 
it  can  be. 

The  only  thing  to  do  is  to  take  out  all  the 
countries  and  lay  them  in  a  row  and  see  which 
you  can  get  along  best  without;  you  can't  pos 
sibly  spare  any  of  the  large  countries;  the 
question  is  how  many  of  the  little  countries 
together  would— 

*  You      are     digressing     again, 
worse  than  ever!     This  thing 
/      has   got   to    stop ! 

The  Reader. 

Oh,  very  well !  If  that's  the  way  the  Reader 
feels  about  it  it  shall  stop  right  here. 


THE  END 

[135] 


EPILOGUE 

//  this  little  'world  to-night 

Suddenly  should  fall  thro'  space 

In  a  hissing,  headlong  flight 
Shrivelling  from  off  its  face, 

As  it  falls  into  the  sun, 
In  an  instant  every  trace 

Of  the  little  crawling  things- 
Ants,  philosophers,  and  lice, 

Cattle,  cockroaches,  and  kings, 
Beggars,  millionaires,  and  mice, 

Men  and  maggots  all  as  one 
As  it  falls  into  the  sun— 

Who  can  say  but  at  the  same 
Instant  from  some  planet  far 

A  child  may  <watch  us  and  exclaim 
"See  the  pretty  shooting  star!" 


[136] 


APPENDIX 

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